


Basket Case

by dark_roast



Category: Cthulhu Mythos - H. P. Lovecraft, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-15
Updated: 2006-04-15
Packaged: 2017-10-10 20:25:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_roast/pseuds/dark_roast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place circa Season Five. <br/>Script format.</p><p>Since the Easter Bunny can't deliver baskets of goodies up in space, the bots ask another deity for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Basket Case

**SCENE: Satellite of Love Bridge**

_Mike is sitting on the bridge, reading the Cliff's Notes for_ The DaVinci Code _with avid interest. Crow enters from the right, dressed in a suit, with his net slicked down. He stands a few feet away from Mike. He lifts one hand, pokes at the air, and there's the sound of a doorbell. Mike looks up._

MIKE: Oh, hey Crow.

_Crow ignores him and gazes fixedly at a point just beyond Mike. Mike stares at Crow for a second._

MIKE: Oh, for...!

_He slaps down his book, stands up, and pantomimes opening a door._

MIKE: May I help you?  
CROW: Good afternoon. Are you the lady of the house?  
MIKE: Yes, Crow. I'm the lady of the house.  
CROW: Ma'am, have you accepted Hastur of the Yellow Sign as your personal destroyer?  
MIKE: Um... what?  
CROW: I'm here today to spread the word of the Great Old One Hastur, who will rise from his dark prison on Aldebaran, on the wings of his hideous minions, to consume the universe in fire and blood, and bring his worshippers great power, and fabulous wicker baskets full of chocolate and jellybeans, as soon as someone speaks his name three times. Would you care for a leaflet?

_Crow hands Mike a hand-written flyer, which Mike unfolds and reads cautiously._

MIKE: Crow, I think you might be slightly confused.  
CROW: No indeed.  
MIKE: You're thinking of the Easter Bunny. Not this... ah, other entity.  
CROW: Be serious, Mike. Everyone knows the Easter Bunny doesn't exist. On Easter morning, I wanna see something come hopping down the bunny trail, and I don't care if it's leaving puddles of slime behind it. And even if the Easter Bunny _did_ exist, how's he gonna visit us up here in space?  
MIKE: That's a good point, but...  
CROW: Come on! What's few civilizations razed to ashes, compared with malted milk ball eggs?  
MIKE: Well, those _are_ really good.  
CROW: Okay, Servo! Bring it in!  
MIKE: I really think you need to...

_Servo enters from the same direction as Crow, likewise dressed in a suit and pushing an altar on wheels. It is decorated with tinsel and various sacrificial objects, including several pairs of underwear from Servo's collection. A large, hand-painted banner reads:_ "WELCOME, UNSPEAKABLE ONE!"_ Mike examines the objects on the altar._

MIKE: Hey! That's my wallet!  
SERVO: All praise the Feaster from Afar!  
CROW: Hail Hastur!

_Mike surreptitiously counts on his fingers, and arrives with a total of three. Crow and Servo look around hopefully._

SERVO: Greetings, Squamous Denizen of Lake Hali!  
CROW: So... Michael J. Nelson.  
MIKE: Yes?  
CROW: Feeling your sanity slip away yet?  
MIKE: Faster than usual? No.  
SERVO (addressing thin air): Nauseous Fiend from Beyond the Stars, your humble worshippers beseech a boon.  
MIKE: Guys, nobody's here.  
SERVO (aghast): Mike, shh! You'll offend our patron deity! (to the air) Pay this puny mortal no heed, O Slimy One!  
CROW: Feel free to dine upon his pink squishiness.  
MIKE: Hey!  
SERVO: Sorry, Nelson. Acceptable losses; you understand.  
MIKE: There's nothing here, Tom.  
CROW: Our forbidden god is invisible.  
MIKE: Ohhhh-kay. (to the air) Welcome... uh, Your Gooey Blasphemousness.  
SERVO: I think you can try harder than _that_.  
CROW: I liked the blasphemous part.  
SERVO: Oh, all right. That wasn't bad.  
MIKE (looking up at the ceiling): Forgive me, O Invisible One. You may not enjoy devouring me. I'm not free-range human. And I eat a lot of cheese. However, if you could see your way clear to delivering a few Easter baskets --  
SERVO: Borne in the talons of your byakhee minions!  
MIKE: Erm, yeah. That would be great. Thank you. Sincerely, Mike. How was that?  
CROW: Mike, you're _positive_ you're not going insane?  
MIKE: I'm a little gassy. But, that might be the corned beef sandwich I had for lunch.

_Gypsy enters from the left, carrying an enormous Easter basket in her mouth, which she sets down on the console._

GYPSY: Special delivery!  
MIKE: Thanks, Gypsy.

_Mike pats Gypsy affectionately. Servo and Crow gape at the basket. In unison, they shriek and run away. Mike and Gypsy watch them flee._

GYPSY: Huh. What's up with them?

_Mike shakes his head and takes a few jellybeans out of the basket._

MIKE: I think they've been in space too long.  
GYPSY: How did you convince the Mads to send this up?  
MIKE: I promised them we'd watch _Night of the Lepus_.

_He tosses the handful of candy into Gypsy's mouth, then picks out some more for himself._

MIKE: Mmm... malted milk ball eggs. The insanity's worth it.  


***

THE END


End file.
